Great Answers to Difficult Questions about Death

Great Answers to Difficult Questions about Death


What Children Need to Know

Linda Goldman


Children’s questions are a window to their soul and a mirror to their inner thoughts and feelings.

Why did my mum have to die?
- Respond to every child according to his or her age.
- Respond to same child in different way as he grows up.
- Not every question has an answer.

What does dead mean. How do people die?
- Preparing answers and dialogues using definition of death and of specific ways people die can encourage open communication and maintain a level of honesty for the grieving child.

Where was god when I needed him
- Respect a child’s belief system.
- “What do you belief after someone else die?”
- It is okay to admit that no one has all the answers about GODD and meaning of life and death.

Where is my person? What is heaven?
- it is common to express hope to express hope in seeing a loved one again and finding a place of connection.
- It is helpful for children to draw a picture or tell a story about heaven.
- It helps children feel comforted and safe if they can hold a positive image of where that person is that died.

My mom is dying? What can I do?
- Adults shut them out of difficult conversations.
- No right words or fears that it is inappropriate to include them.
- Only create isolation for child.
- Explain what illness is and how they can help.
- Words like hospice and terminal can prepare children for the future.

I am very ill; who can I talk to about dying?
- Talking helps children cope with their present illness and creates a safe space to share concern about dying.

I worry a lot, will I die too? Will you die too?
- Actively involving children in exploring thoughts and feelings, expressing pent-up emotions, asking questions, and using reality checks can help to release these worries in safe and meaningful ways.

Will I forget Dad? What if I forget him? How can I remember?
- Involving children in memories activities keeps loved ones at heart.
- Activities can help refresh a memory.
- Memory boxed, books, tables, rituals or grief support groups.
- Add meaning or comfort when remembering a person who is dead.

Is it my fault that my mum died? Did she suffer?
- Listen not only with your ears but also with a listening heart.
- Allow young people the opportunity to tell their entire story without interpretation,, judgment , preconceived notions.
- uncover children’s blame and worry by hearing their own questions, dreams, visions.
- Answering honestly, providing accurate facts and details creates an atmosphere of trust.
- Allows kids to express guilt fear and magical thinking.

How do other people grief?
- Pretending, play acting and role-playing are creative outlets to express grief
- creating safe environment where children share tears, frustrations, silence and imagination enhances a healthy grief process
- Uncomfortable to watch a child cry – it can be very healing at the right time and place.

I’m scared too. What can I do to feel safe?
- experience traumatic grief => feel frightened
- Fear can override grief and stop grief process
- Providing safely for children is essential
- Takes time and distance
- Create activities that help create feelings of a protected atmosphere
- Release that their overwhelming thoughts won’t last long
- Explore grief process
- Process can be unpredictable or messy

How can I remember with my friends and family?
- Participating in age appropriate ways gives meaning to their grief process
- Saying goodbye to a loved one conveys a sense of dignity and respect fot them
- Gives strong message about the value of life

Quotes
- We cant protect children from life’s tragedies but we can ease their journey by responding openly to their questions
- Repression around difficult feelings involving death can lead to a low self esteem and depression or projected anger and destructive behavior
- Open sharing with young people allows free expression of natural flow of grief processes and ensures a safe heaven of respect and honesty

Summary
- truthful
- keep explanation simple
- share the facts in age appropriate ways
- remind children it was not their fault
- define death
- allow children to be recognized mourners
- remember children grieve differently
- treat every child and their grief unique
- honor a child’s belief system
- Prepare children for funerals and memorials.